SF BUBBLE

I’m on the bus. The same bus I take almost every day, sometimes more than once. The 38r. It feels like home to be on this bus. I don’t know the faces around me, but I recognize them from time to me. I can still recall the first time I took the muni, or better yet, the first time I took a bus alone. I was so afraid. I felt successful after, like I was finally adjusting into living in a city. Now, the city feels like home. I can look at random streets and recall past memories that have happened there. This city feels like the place I was born, as if I became a person when I finally stepped foot into the varying streets and avenues in the Inner Richmond. 

I notice the bus announcements that i have heard hundreds of times, to keep certain seats open for those who are older or have disabilities. I hear stop after stop. I ride the bus for 7 stops eagerly waiting until I can be free in my apartment. I notice myself getting tired or feeling like I have a headache. And then I look around. I forget that my life may seem like a breeze to those who have a long commute or have been up working since the crack of dawn. It’s so easy to get caught up in ourselves, it’s just as easy to put on your headphones and escape. This is one of the few times I’m not listening to music, because my phone is almost dead. I don’t believe that people used to be this way. I almost feel like my phone is an extension of my being, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do the things I did today. What was life like without cellphones? Without the ability to be in your own world through a pair of headphones? Did people actually use to talk on the bus? Were people just as self absorbed back in the day without cellphones? Did conversation actually used to exist? 

I wish I could watch a scene of the muni before phones and live in it for just a moment to appreciate, and dissociate from the bubble of privilege I live in today. 

Dramatic Drive Through Los Angeles

Hollywood and vine                              Never looked more beautiful
With the lights blinding your eyes         And rain falling from the sky
I sit out and watch the cars pass                So many people                                              So many stories                                             All yet to be told
And I find myself                                         Still Thinking About                                    You
Even with the cars passing and the music loud                                                               The sound of you next to me                         Is etched into my brain                                And I can’t seem to get you off my mind
Oh                                                      Hollywood and vine                                 What have you done to me

You made the music louder

And my heart beat faster

The Verdad… The Truth

Welcome to The Verdad.

If you speak Spanish, or are just clearly confused at the title, it is both English and Spanish.

I’m not bilingual. Maybe I will be one day. But I’m not fake either. And I want you to realize that this is the truth. How basic of me? Why do you want to hear about a random college girl’s life? I don’t know. Why do we read blogs or watch YouTube? Because we learn through other people’s experiences. And we also want to escape our lives whenever we have the chance.

The Verdad. The truth. I am obsessed with reading blogs about other people’s lives. Maybe I’m too voyueristic. I want to see if I can experience what other people go through because I spend all my time thinking about myself. I’m so selfish. But let’s be real, aren’t we all? We only TRULY have ourselves to worry about without our significant others and families (or dogs which are most important).

I’m just kind of sick of people being fake. And I don’t even think it’s an intentional thought, but when I scroll through instagram, it puts me back in high school. And I don’t ever want to go back to that place.

Like, ok we get it, you have a bomb ass body. I’m all for #bodypositivity but what are we promoting? Why do we need to post pictures of our bare bodies posed perfectly to get that booty in there, for likes? I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t think it’s not empowering or just plain sexy AF. But I’m going to be honest, before when I struggled body issues, these images permeated in my brain constantly. Swipe up for me. Every second.

I saw those pictures, or traveling photos, and thought- will I ever be this happy? And  of course, this is like the ~*deep*~ thinking of instagram and it doesn’t have to be thought of intensely or scrutinized profusely, but I cannot deny now that it did affect me. And if it happened to me atleast at one point causing me to feel insecure, I can’t be alone? There are millions of girls now growing up in a new age with cellphones and apps and a bombardment of a million of options. A million photos, stories, and opinions CONSTANTLY. Just look around! Of course this argument isn’t new, but it was on my brain.

I deleted the app awhile ago but that got it back to make a private instagram (only for my friends) and I still kept thinking, why? Why am I posting this? I love to keep up with my friends and family but why do I have to share my picture to do that? Can’t I just message them directly or maybe see them irl? In real life? For a coffee, maybe?

I have mixed feelings about social media because of course I love to share photos and stay #connected in the World Wide Web, but I feel I spend so much time straining my eyes on this tiny little box! What is it giving me? And I truly think I’m addicted. Like I sleep it with it next to me.

Now I’m just spewing random words.

I’m writing this on my phone notes on a flight from Toronto to Los Angeles. I’ve had a crazy two months. I will write another post about Madrid, my love, and other random facets I learned through traveling by myself. Not like you care that much. But, maybe you should? Because we could be friends? Internet friends. (I’ve had a lot of coffee and feeling isolated from traveling alone so just give me a break).

BRB. Xoxo

TIME, and more of it PLS

We all hear the phrase “it just takes time.” It’s a common phrase that is used to get us through any bad situation really. Most phrases that are “as old as the hills” (my mom’s favorite) seem to lose their meaning when overused.

But it really reigns true. Everything just takes time. And that idea and phrase goes hand in hand with the belief that everything is temporary. It may be easy to overlook, or hard to really focus on, but every moment is temporary. That’s why we always have a second chance (in a way, not if you really screwed up), but remembering that every situation and emotion is temporary-can be extremely freeing. That isn’t to say to relish and revel in the glory days that are among us, but it is to remember when we feel the world crashing in around us.

We have felt the lowest of lows and the high highs, but we have the power to look back on them in a lighter and more knowledgable perspective. We have the power to let our emotions take all the willpower from us for a small period of time, but it is crucial we don’t let that emotion become us. We don’t have to be gloomy from that missed text or job rejection for the whole day, but allowing the proper time to grieve is as important as moving away from it.

When I am down in the dumps (another phrase but it works here) I try to see the positive or long lasting affect of the moment. Side note: sometimes I read other people’s blog posts (I’m not hating by the way) but it does seem like people project themselves in the most positive, ethereal light. And of course, why wouldn’t they? But I’m not perfect. I don’t always smile when I’m really fucking angry. Sometimes it really does take the whole day. But when it’s something little or something that I can handle, I try to see the situation from both sides. I don’t give the upper hand to either side, because everyone is entitled to feel their own emotions (including me).

BUT the point is there will always be more time. And time will most usually always heal things because it puts everything into perspective after you’ve removed yourself from the intense emotions that come with tragedy and grief.

Xoxo

ROMANTIQUE

I’m feeling super sentimental and warm right now while listening to my new Spotify playlist, Romantique. It consists of a lot of Brigitte Bardot, and other popular french love songs. It really takes me to a different time. A time that I haven’t ever experienced, and with the way social media and phones in particular have molded our world, will never see in my life time.

This french music that seems to alter my mood relaxes every bone in my body. Lately, specifically the past two days, I have been filled to the brim with anxiety. I am embarking on a new journey into adulthood tomorrow. I am officially moving into my first apartment! I’m more nervous for the whole school thannnng. This summer has been wild. Dope to be in fact. But I know that isn’t fully proper english. And I’m an English major so I have to be on my shit.

As you can see my writing style may have changed, it’s been awhile. But I, for some reason, got a sudden burst of energy to write down all my feelings. Maybe it was the sweet jams of old french music. I want to be more conversational and relaxed on here. I have recently been too lazy to write in my journal, so I’ve been writing everything I feel down in my notes on my iPhone. One day (hopefully) I will transfer everything down. I want to and I NEED to. As much as this is an outlet for writing my current emotions down, it has also been a journal of my life in a way. Although the posts haven’t been my deepest darkest secrets (do I even have any?), I have been able to look back on my growth as I’ve changed as a person. How amazing! And a few of you have been along on the way. So this hopefully will bid adieu to the past, and welcome a future for this blog. Or just an outlet to read the perspectives on a now 19 (woohoo!) year old’s thoughts on life, and how crazy everything can seem.

Being able to read other people’s thoughts and inner dialogues, whether it be facebook or an actual website, lets me reevaluate and understand the world around me. That’s why I believe writing, in ANY form, has such a valued and strong impact. Scoff scoff to all the people who laugh at English majors, or any other major besides Business. How do you think you function daily without understand, reading, and comprehending everything in front of you? Yeah, it’s not so silly after all. I want to be able to write down how I feel and change or enhance someone’s perspective, because in the end, all that matters is people. And lately I have felt so out of touch with the more creative and thoughtful person I know I can be! Cell phones, and tv have got me wasting my days away. How do you feel? Want to have a chat about literally anything? I’m bored. I don’t know.

Xoxo

I AM ME, YOU ARE YOU

Recently, after entering the most challenging (yet rewarding) literature class, I have realized a few of my passions. Coming from a small town background, I was never subjected to ‘cat-calling’ or behavior like that from men. Since moving to a large city I have realized the emphasis men have on women’s bodies, and how that is all you can be seen as. Just a BODY. A freakin’ body. That’s what *some* men condense women to: the intelligence, strength, passionate warriors we are, to our bodies. I understand attractiveness and how important beauty can be in our society and in relationships, but being subjected to the size of my body- is very demeaning. And uncomfortable. I never realized that based on the size of certain body parts that I was born with I could give off the ‘wrong impression’ or allow men to stare at me in an uncomfortable/rude/scary way would be my reality, but it IS real. And that’s where my journey of feminism began.

I want to share my passion for body-positivity and self-love with anyone I can reach. Realizing your wealth and value to society is so so important. Although it is a long journey, I’m working on it. That’s all we can do- is try. Try to see our beauty and importance in ourselves, because we ALL belong. We all have value, and are all uniquely beautiful (mind, body, and soul).

I decided to take an old lipstick to write on my mirror ‘I’m a babe’. I wanted to write a mantra that encompassed more than just commenting on my outward beauty. I am a babe. I’m strong, intelligent, and capable. We’re all babes- guy or girl- you are a BABE. Every time I look in the mirror I try and remember to affirm what I am, even though I may not believe it at the time, it has actually worked. I find myself commenting less on my appearance, especially negative comments. It doesn’t even have to be about your body, just try to think of the insecurities that circle around in your head. Their just thoughts. They don’t have to have power unless YOU give them power. Find a mantra that you can believe in and say whenever you put yourself down.

I can’t stress enough that thoughts are only words. Saying ‘I look fat’ will in turn make you actually believe you are fat. It’s just bad juju you are bringing into your head because society has conditioned you to believe you are different or wrong. Once you catch yourself saying a negative thought, recognize it and shut it down. The more you recognize your harmful words-the easier it is to stop saying it.

So I challenge you to find a powerful mantra to repeat over and over again, to get one step closer into LOVING and ACCEPTING the body/mind/soul you were given. Because you are beautiful and capable of self-love. It’s possible, I promise. Start today beauties.

Xoxo

BEING ME

Lately I have been struggling with the old me and a new me forming. A new me I may not like…

The first year of college has been one of the most eye opening, and hardest years of my life. It has brought me a new sense of joy and independence, but also showed me the deepest point of dependence and longing for home and the past. 

I have found myself recently doing things I never would have imagined myself doing, which has excited the inner introvert in me- but also has me questioning if it’s right or wrong. Recently I noticed how self centered I can be without realizing it, and it hurts those around me. 

I finished The Four Agreements and it left me feeling very inspired and disheartened. I noticed how others affect me and how many people project their insecurities onto me, which only hurts me and ultimately them.

I was recently in a situation where I made a promise to a friend and let her down simply because I wanted to keep doing what -I- wanted to do. 

It’s so crazy what we can see when we are self-aware. It can be important to have a mental and emotional check up every once in awhile to see how you’re feeling, and how the people in your life are affecting you positively and negatively. Maybe you can fix a few things about yourself to make your relationships stronger. Maybe we all just need to open our eyes to love and live even more. 

THE HUMAN

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: a guide book to the happiest version of yourself. I have recently been reading this book, and it has opened my eyes in a way I never thought possible. Each day, I am learning more about who I am and how I want to project myself into the world, and it turn how I want others to receive and treat me.

(I highly recommend this book to everyone. Right now. Go get it)

There is a section in the book regarding the idea of freedom, and how the human race has gotten it wrong. I won’t spoil it, but basically we aren’t free. We have the option to choose to be free, but getting to that point can be difficult- especially how our minds today are so consumed and distracted by all of the modern issues and fallacies around us. It got me thinking- what do I really love to do? Why don’t I do it more? Why do we have to section off time in the day to really get to do what we want? Why, after I finish this assignment, will I get the reward of being happy?

So, I am taking the time to think about what I love. What makes me the happiest, what gives me life. I love to write, read, talk to people, and make connections through being outside and traveling. Why do I spend so much time dreaming about happiness, when I have the power to make it happen?

I challenge everyone to think about what they love, make a list even. Go throughout an average day, and see what you spend most of your time on. For me, I watch way too much Tv. I honestly think I’m addicted. I want to slowly spend time and energy transitioning my bad habits over to time spent on adventures and moments that bring me true happiness. Try to find parts of your day that you could swap for better used time, to make you a happier and healthier version of yourself.

Xoxo

WORK IN PROGRESS.

Welcome back. 

I have to say welcome for you and for me! It’s a new year, use it wisely. Time is of the essence this year… make the best of 2016.

I took a long break from writing. Mostly to be fully in the present with family and friends over the holidays. Also, I was extra extra lazy when I went home. I’m a student, I have an excuse right?!

The 39 day break I had was an extended period of time for me to think a lot about everything. I mostly thought about my growth, and what I learned in my first semester of college. Which I have realized is A LOT! I thought a lot about how I have grown as an individual and how I have become more of who I am and want to be, and am slowly but surely maturing away from a dramatic teenage girl.

The new year definitely brings everyone a lot of promise, and can feel as a “new slate” for everything. And I think that thought is super powerful, if used correctly. With all our infamous new years resolution pushed aside, 2016 can finally be your ‘year’. If you’re willing to commit, this year can be it. I feel like we are progressively getting more positive and the ideas of loving yourself are trending topics among society right now. This means it is as easy as ever to make the best of every day, and of every problem we face.

I have adopted a “say yes to everything” mindset. Not literally (if I am in for the night most likely you can’t tear me from my bed) but you get it. I have realized how when I look back in the past, the times I said no for whatever reason- was always when I felt fomo (fear of missing out) and ate my feelings while watching Netflix. Which is SO stupid. Honestly. Saying yes to every opportunity you get (however out of your comfort zone it is) will ignite a spark of energy in you. Meeting new people and going new places gives me energy, and I promise saying yes is just the first step in making memories.

All we have is memories, so make the most out of life. As cliche as it sounds: you won’t remember the time you stayed in bed. Choose to make memories. Choose to do good, it will only have a positive impact on your mind body and soul. I promise

Xoxo