“The only way that we can grow, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only we can change is if we learn. The only way we can change is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 

-C. Joybell

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Wow, that’s a very serious and dark title. I’m not fighting a battle that I’m finally clearing up, but I do want to talk about a lifelong journey. The journey to ourselves, more specifically the journey to finding out me. By me. 

A very personal topic, but I try to generally be a very open person. It forces me to be friendly, and give new friends and accquatinces the real version of myself that I present to the world. 

When I was younger, around middle school I was so lost. I talked about this in a recent post, but I want to go into further detail. I honestly didn’t know who I was at all. I had a lot of friends, nice things, and I was “popular”. That word holds no meaning in life once you break free from high school, and I wish someone would have told me none of it mattered. None of the fighting, none of the heartbreak, none of the countless arguments that tore me farther and farther away from reality. I fought the system of life, and I fought anyone who was close to me. After any argument or fight (whether it be a family member or friend), I was back at square one again. I felt so alone I was severely depressed at times, and it forced me to take out my sadness on the ones I loved. A cycle that never ended, because I never saw what I was doing to myself. Until it finally broke. 

Cue high school. Freshman year. The first time the cycle broke, and I actually was alone. I had lost a majority of the friends I once had, because they were finally fed up with the pain our friendship had put them through. I’m not saying I caused all of the arguments (middle school was rough for most of the girls I was around) but I would pin most of the blame on me. I was so scared and alone because I felt like I had nothing. It’s in those dark times when you really have to make a decision. To change, to promise you’ll be better. Nicer. More compassionate. It was in ninth grade I made the beginning, baby steps toward the person I am today. 

It was a rough four years, until it wasn’t anymore. Senior year was my happiest year, because I finally became the person I had been working so hard to become. (In the next post I will discuss how I did this). Although I am always growing and changing into new and better versions of myself, I believe I have a mold that I generally stick towards and doesn’t change. That’s what I made in senior year, and am still that person today. A person who wants all they can get out of life, and wants the ones they love to share in the experiences along the way. 

I wanted to share my journey of self discovery/self awareness because it’s been a long time coming. 

I am constantly creating new versions of myself. I am different from four years ago, four months ago, four weeks ago, and even four days ago. We are all growing, learning, and changing every day. This means we all have the opportunity to change. To change into the ideal version of you, that you have always wanted. I don’t mean this physically (that’s what I was thinking aka I need to hit the gym) but mentally and spiritually. I wanted to give you a context on me, and my back story of how I found myself. It’s been a lot of me time, and a lot of time working/reading/and writing on my own. It helps that I like being alone, but sometimes it felt lonely. Remember the difference between being alone and being lonely, and remember there are always people who love you. And when you realize those people, don’t let them go. They will help you discover who you are and what you want most out of life. Love yourself first. 

Xoxo

Goodnight lovelies, wherever you are. Whether it’s morning or night for you right now, make today great. I’m going to bed with a full heart and an eager mind to tackle tomorrow wholly. (My mind may be a bit too eager to sleep, sorry roommates). 

Tomorrow is your chance to complete something you’ve always wanted to, or to start a new task you have been dreaming about. My advice is to write out everything you want to get accomplished, with the most meaningful at the top. Take the hardest, most time consuming tasks and complete them first. This will free up your mind and body, and get you excited to do the easier and more fun activities. Crossing an activity off your list will be motivating and you will feel successful. This always excites me, and gives me a good outline for what I want to accomplish in the day. 

I have written about this idea before, but it really works for me and I can’t stress it enough. Visually seeing what you have to do in the day puts into perspective your hard and easy tasks, and how much time you have in the day for work/relaxation/fun.

Take advantage of the next day ahead, and try to cross off as many activities off your list as you can. Believe in yourself, and the world will echo back. 

Xoxo

THE BUBBLE

The comfort zone (as told by UrbanDictionary.com): “Someone’s personal and comfortable space. Upon trespassing into the zone without knowing the person may just result in a person acting stuck up, rude, or hostile towards the intruder.”

Thanks, Urban Dictionary. They are the masterminds behind the millennial, skewed perception of the world told in simple, and often humorous definitions.

As an introvert (self-proclaimed but true), I take my comfort zone seriously. It takes a lot of energy for me to go out and leave the comfortable state that is my personal space.

Side note: Introverts get their energy from being alone/ doing activities alone/ can often only handle large groups or stimulating social interactions for short periods before they need to ‘recharge’ again by being alone. While extroverts get their energy or the most stimulation by being in social situations with groups of people. Not saying they don’t enjoy being alone, but they don’t necessarily NEED it in order to properly function without risks of anxiety.

Last night, I had the opportunity to go out or stay in my bed. Sadly, I chose staying in bed and watching vlogs on youtube, while twitching from the zzQuil I took. (Zzquil is powerful). I notice I often say no to activities because I just want to stay in my comfort zone which is in my room with my headphones on. So I decided to give a little guide for myself and anyone who struggles with this issue:

Ways to stay in your comfort zone:

  1. put your headphones on/in, zone out the world. focus on yourself and tune everyone out. tip: walk around with headphones in. people won’t approach you, and you may even seem more important than you are.
  2. try not too. honestly, you will remember the times when you made memories with friends more than when you layed in bed eating ice cream.

Ways to stay out of your comfort zone:

1. take out your headphones. smile at a stranger/classmate/homeless person on the street. a smile is worth a thousand words, be friendly!

2. talk to someone new. anyone who you find interesting. just a simple hi or hello could spark a great conversation. if that is too out of your zone, ask them for something. (directions, the time, to hold the elevator, a pencil, anything). people aren’t as scary as you think they are. 

3. learn to not say no to any invitation you get. go over every possible reason why you shouldn’t go out there and experience the world, and try to discredit them. if the reasons aren’t valid and you just are being lazy, get up and go. you will enjoy it, i promise. (if you don’t, i am sorry. ice cream on me)

4. let go. live in the present and take moments to think of your expirience in the past. remember that moment that still makes you happy and laugh to this day, it probably was a crazy adventure you never planned. go out there and let go – you never know what might happen.  

Xoxo

MOVING ON

Change. The only constant thing in life, change. People change. Your environment changes. You change. Everything changes, and we must learn to accept this before we realize it the hard the way. 

Drama has always surrounded me and it has affected many of my relationships. I used to be really unhappy with myself and my decisions, and I let that anger manifest inside me. This caused me to be angry at the world, and the people that were around me. I took all my anger out at them, and lost many dear friendships because of it. I used to be really lost in myself and my life. It affected me during my pivotal years growing up, but it molded me into the person I am today. 

I dealt with unimportant ‘drama’ throughout elementary, middle, and early high school. Girl drama, boy drama. All the same meaningless energy wasted. 

I lost a lot of friends. Once I realized who I was and gained confidence in myself, I gained a lot of friends. This process wasn’t easy, and took a few years and few thousand tears spent on making mistakes. Mistakes that cost friendships. At that time, losing friends interrupted my entire world. It shook up the ground I walked on, and I felt lost and alone. I didn’t have enough independence and enough knowledge to know that this change was neccessary. Growing up involves losing friends and learning to be on your own. 

Of course, losing friends is always hard. When I became the mold of who I was (I am constantly growing and learning more) but when the hard mold was made, I realized who my true friends were. It was at that moment, that I gave up the whole drama thing. Yes, fights or small disagreements are bound to happen with people who spend a lot of time with each other- but it wasn’t middle school drama anymore. I put the energy that I had been WASTING into making my life a positive, happy, and healthy one. I put more into my relationships, and learned to put all my love and effort into my friends and family. 

Learning more about myself and becoming the person I am today (self-intuitive, strong, somewhat confident) has made me realize how your inner thoughts on yourself can affect those closest to you. And not always in a positive way. 

I learned to love myself first. To give myself the chance to grow and have POSITIVE people around me. I can’t stress this enough. If your friends don’t make you happy and inspired, let go. If your energy goes down, and you feel weak and drained trying to compete/deal with friends, let go. Having to make new friends is tough, but it can be done. You must have like minded people who are happy for you and who make you happy in order to succeed. It will make life so much easier, and you will cherish your time here on earth even more. 

Love yourself and those around you so much you think it’s too much. Give all you’ve got to the ones you love, and you will recieve it back, I promise. Change is inevitable, and your change is important. Grow and move on, and put yourself first always. 

Xoxo

NOSTALGIA

Am I a hypocrite? I often preach and give my guidance and advice to living a positive and happy life, but I find myself having the hardest time accepting my own words. Regarding my post about not letting nostalgia having any power in our lives, that can be very very tough. 

APPARENTLY the cancer, the mighty emotional water sign, has a tendency to be nostalgic for the past. For this intangible thing that cannot be reached anymore. It’s gone, but it occupies most of my thoughts…

I think has a lot to do with my thoughts on the past and the truth. The skewed truth. Whenever I think of the past, it is always tied with good feelings and even better memories. This isn’t true. My life wasn’t easy breezy, and the photos I look back on only capture the very best moments and experiences through the years. 

Not to discredit your pasts, we all share memories with old friends and old times that were incredible. And should be revered as so. But I need to stop letting the good out way the bad, and not keep allowing myself to believe the past was better than the present or any experiences that could happen in the future. 

One thing I have really enjoyed about creating this blog has been seeing the feedback from the site. I also enjoy freeing my thoughts and having an outlet to remind myself what is important and a place to look back on and see my growth. I read each piece I write like anyone else who reads them, and try to follow my positive words. It is hard to practice a mindful and positive lifestyle, but the first step is letting go. Let go of everything you have tied to positive living and free your brain of others thoughts and judgements. This process is lengthy and hard, but so rewarding. It’s an everyday battle to remind our brains to let go of the harmful and negative thoughts. But it can be done. 

Wake up and believe in yourself and believe in being happy. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so make choices throughout the day to make YOU happy. Focus on yourself. Don’t care what others think, and don’t base your actions/opinions on pleasing anyone. Smile, relax, and think about how lucky you are to be alive right now in this moment. We are so lucky…

Xoxo

 

via tumblr.com

  

Just a short reminder to not romanticize the past. I have noticed myself doing this more, and it’s something to take note of. Yes, amazing things and moments and experiences happened in the past, but they are in the past for a reason. We often only remember the good memories, and block out the bad. We left the past for a reason and we must remember to focus on the present. Don’t get so caught up in this romanticized version of a life you used to live, because more times than not, you are where you are and doing what you’re doing for a reason. Make it count.