Wow, that’s a very serious and dark title. I’m not fighting a battle that I’m finally clearing up, but I do want to talk about a lifelong journey. The journey to ourselves, more specifically the journey to finding out me. By me.
A very personal topic, but I try to generally be a very open person. It forces me to be friendly, and give new friends and accquatinces the real version of myself that I present to the world.
When I was younger, around middle school I was so lost. I talked about this in a recent post, but I want to go into further detail. I honestly didn’t know who I was at all. I had a lot of friends, nice things, and I was “popular”. That word holds no meaning in life once you break free from high school, and I wish someone would have told me none of it mattered. None of the fighting, none of the heartbreak, none of the countless arguments that tore me farther and farther away from reality. I fought the system of life, and I fought anyone who was close to me. After any argument or fight (whether it be a family member or friend), I was back at square one again. I felt so alone I was severely depressed at times, and it forced me to take out my sadness on the ones I loved. A cycle that never ended, because I never saw what I was doing to myself. Until it finally broke.
Cue high school. Freshman year. The first time the cycle broke, and I actually was alone. I had lost a majority of the friends I once had, because they were finally fed up with the pain our friendship had put them through. I’m not saying I caused all of the arguments (middle school was rough for most of the girls I was around) but I would pin most of the blame on me. I was so scared and alone because I felt like I had nothing. It’s in those dark times when you really have to make a decision. To change, to promise you’ll be better. Nicer. More compassionate. It was in ninth grade I made the beginning, baby steps toward the person I am today.
It was a rough four years, until it wasn’t anymore. Senior year was my happiest year, because I finally became the person I had been working so hard to become. (In the next post I will discuss how I did this). Although I am always growing and changing into new and better versions of myself, I believe I have a mold that I generally stick towards and doesn’t change. That’s what I made in senior year, and am still that person today. A person who wants all they can get out of life, and wants the ones they love to share in the experiences along the way.
I wanted to share my journey of self discovery/self awareness because it’s been a long time coming.
I am constantly creating new versions of myself. I am different from four years ago, four months ago, four weeks ago, and even four days ago. We are all growing, learning, and changing every day. This means we all have the opportunity to change. To change into the ideal version of you, that you have always wanted. I don’t mean this physically (that’s what I was thinking aka I need to hit the gym) but mentally and spiritually. I wanted to give you a context on me, and my back story of how I found myself. It’s been a lot of me time, and a lot of time working/reading/and writing on my own. It helps that I like being alone, but sometimes it felt lonely. Remember the difference between being alone and being lonely, and remember there are always people who love you. And when you realize those people, don’t let them go. They will help you discover who you are and what you want most out of life. Love yourself first.